Winter blues

Yes, technically it is spring but it still feels like winter. It has been a while since we had a real pretty, colorful sunset. Nothing I’ve felt compelled to photograph. Today was nice, springy weather. But this evening it snowed. No matter what the temperature here, if the sun is out and you are directly in it you get hot. I was sitting in trafic on my way home from a job interview and the sun was beaming through my windows. By the time I got home the sun was setting and the temperature had dropped. Kaylee and I took our evening walk with the dog. We have been walking daily. We have a nice trail that sits in an open space. I usually walk a little way up the trail and come back down and walk the path at the park. It feels nice to get out and gett some sunshine once in awhile.

I get knocked down

I had to log in to an old Facebook account…the first I opened but later decided to deactivate and start over so I could have one account for “friends” and another account for “family” and people I care about and don’t want drama with over my political or spiritual affiliations or lack thereof.
Anyhow…it was as though everything were frozen in time. It made me miss my family and friends back in Ohio so much more than I thought was possible! I also realized I’ve been down before but I always get back up and when I get back up all the people who kicked me while I was down….are insignificant. The only thing important to me is finding peace in my heart and strength to move on so I can make a better life for me and my kids.

I have a timeline for my transformation and obtainable goals set. Good things are in the works.

I will get back up again.

Undone

I know this feeling well. Like I’m coming undone on the inside. I find myself soul searching and re-evaluating my situation. It’s an internal struggle between my body and my spirit… I feel like I’m slipping away and I have to fight to stay inside my body. I sometimes think…maybe I should just let go…but it’s like drowning and fighting for air. My doctor said this is de-realization…a symptom of extreme panic disorder.  I have lived with panic attacks my whole life and nothing helps forever. They always come back. Anything can trigger an attack. It could be something as simple as a movie. I try to avoid situations that will likely trigger one but I never know what is going to happen. It could be a random stranger’s voice, appearance, it could be a smell or a sound… and it is getting harder to deal with because nobody understands what I’m going through.